Today topic is so Attractive lah yo! So, am I a lesbian? That was the question I always receive the most when I'm in school... And what I'm going to say is .... NO! I'M NOT A LES!
The boys and the girls always wondered why I did not talk with guys... Correction, I do talk to guy BUT! to certain guys only.They must have misunderstood me by not talking to guys but actually I speak quite a lot to guy EXCEPT Malay guys.
For me, I feel really insecure talking to Malay guy. I can talk and express myself freely with my other classmates but not to them. Even though I, myself is a Malay I don't know why I can't take to them like how the other girls talk to them. I feel really scared if I have to face them. I will only open my mouth for them if there is only important stuff that I need to tell them. Other than that, jangan berharaplah aku nak cakap ngan diorang.
I have reason for not talking to them. Therefore, I shall list down my reason for not communicating with them and I hope by this post, people will stop misunderstands me as a lesbian because I still like a guy not a girl. And that doesn't mean I critic the lesbian people. People have its own point of view. For me, I don't have the right to judge people because I, myself is not perfect, why bother to correct people mistakes if i still have many mistakes that still need to be corrected?
Reasons for not to be able to talk to GUYS:
1.I really not able to open my mouth to talk to them. the only words that are able to spit out of my mouth is okay, hmm..., oh, no, and yes. that are the common word used for replying to their qn.
2.I scared if what I say might be a joke/humor for them. I don't know how to explain it in English, but I try to. These Malay guys in my class like to gossip more than a girl. I scared if I say anything to them, I would be gossiped by them. Guys gossip is so much different than girl gossiping. they are much more expressive in saying anything. At least girls know how to control themselves in saying anything as it might hurt the other party if they accidentally heard it. But guys is different. They just say what they wanted to say. If the person is big size, they just call her fat and that makes me feel scared of them. Their mouth have too much poison that could just hurt one in just one bite. I tell you a situation where I experience this.
I have a brother and my brother is really close with my classmates, Mr X,,Y,Z. They are really close. These guys is a senior to my brother in his CCA. I don't care about that lah because I can't prevent my brother to make friends with my classmates. But what I hate most is that, they like to talk about me behind my back. How I know? My brother told me everything. But I know there must be something that they say about me that my brother don't dare to tell me. I won't force him to tell me. But people, do you see the link here? I did not even talk to them but they still able to talk bad things about me. What happen if I start to talk to them and talk freely with them? Won't they have much more stories to tell to my brother? Sometimes I don't understand these guys. What do they really want from me? I feel like cutting their mouth into pieces so that they won't be able to talk anything bad about people around them.
From here, I learn that not only girls like to mengumpat but guys love to mengumpat too. Hehe....
3. I like one of the guy in that group but I did not like to express my feeling just like the other girls will do. I prefer to keep that feelings to myself rather that telling the guy and also my friends. Because of that I don't dare to near them because I scared they might able to see that I like their friend. I keep a distance from him so that I won't act foolishly in front of him. I prefer to act cool than acting foolish by flirting and making nonsense cute voices because I know he would feel disgusted to hear that AND I will also feels disgusted towards myself.
Therefore, I hope you people who always mistaken me as a lesbian could stop that fake/wrong ideation. I'm a real lady as I still have feelings towards guys not girl. Rumor.. swaaaa.. swept by the breezy night wind.
I'm not here to have a bad point of view of the girl who like girl as I know you can't change you heart and tells it to not like this particular person. Everyone has their own chance in making their own life decisions. So, what I can tell you now is that. Listen to heart but follow your brain to make the right decision for your own life and also your own future.
Lastly, I want to thank those people who keep on supporting me in typing my novel. The chapter 4 is already out 3 days ago and the no. of reader has increase rapidly. I was really overjoys and I hope you will continue to loom forward on what will going to be happen to Fatinsya. Click to this link to straight away direct you to the chapter 4 page -----> http://www.penulisan2u.my/2013/01/novel-hati-yang-kau-sakiti-4/
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