Assalamualaikum...
What a really negative tittle I have there. I'm not sure if only me feeling this way, or others do share the same thing, I'm indeed a very sensitive person. BUT... I may not be obvious with my feelings to people.
I not sure why I did that, but I felt that I prioritize other people feelings before mine. I pushed aside my anger just to avoid conflict which later makes me hate myself and cry for no reason. I am being obtuse with situation and even with my own feelings. I kept on giving chances and push everything aside and always try my best to achieve my goals with all means even if I have to do the group work by myself. I really hate myself for doing this. I hate for not being brave and afraid to hurt others feelings, rather that hurting other's feelings, in the end I'm the on who suffered.
Some days, I just felt the need to cry, I don't even know why. I felt weak. I need someone to know how I felt. I need someone to know that I'm not okay. However, I'm not trying to give any verbal ques. The tiredness from being felt like being used and thrown away like a trash hurts me the most, but what did I do? I did nothing to compensate that anger nor betrayal. I kept myself quite thinking that the feelings might fade away and I AM GOING TO BE OKAY SOON...
To be honest I'm not sure where this blog post is heading towards and what am I taking and typing about. I know that my friends will not read this, and this is so called my 'safest' platform for me to express my emotion and truthfully how I felt deep within all the smiles and the "It's okay" that I have said hundreds of times in a day. All the people around me think that I'm a happy go lucky person. Yes, I am. But, I am not happy all the time when people make use of me. I am not okay if you be friends and treat me like a trash. Only when you people need me, you come to me. When your needs are all being satisfied, you walked away and leaving me waiting and waiting.
I am not blaming the people that did this to me. I just hate the fact that I really have to feel this way. I felt that I have no say. I felt that I have to keep myself quite. I am afraid that if I said something that is honest and be truthful about my feelings and emotions, people will hate me. I felt really insecure. And this have really nothing to do with people around me. The people around me could me the aggravating factors but in the end is all up and depend on me. It is all within me. I know I have to fight with my own self to be back to where I was, where I used to be... Otherwise, I could be forever getting indulge in this feelings and hatred of my own self.
The only things that I felt happy is when people can understand me, without having me to say. Which is nonsense. How can people understand me if I don't say anything? I find happiness when I reads those article of each horoscope traits. Not the daily one, the personality trait of each horoscope I mean. Those things are on point on pointing out my strength, weakness and worriness and it somehow make me felt that they understand where I come from, what I really meant. Somehow it gave me the sense that it is basically how I felt. I felt that those post actually understands me and sometimes it brings tears to me. I know you might find how pathetic am I to trust and rely on those things but that is the only way I felt being understandable. At times, I also do felt confused with myself and those post encouraged me and it somehow makes me felt that "It's gonna be okay, I'm going to be okay" idea and mindset.
I know this happens due to the the game that my brain is playing with me. But I know sooner or later I have to change this behaviour of mine and I really hopes the I could really stop hating myself for being this way. Insyaallah during this Ramadhan period it can give me inner peace and enlighten me on the things that I should focus on rather than concentrating on things that is not important to me.
Insyaallah.
Goodnight,
