The Journey that Leads Me

Hello and Assalamualaikum...

"Difficult roads often leads to beautiful destinations." - Anonymous 

Deep enough? Heheh... not so aites. I am aware that I did not always blog. I won't say much as it might sound as an excuse. Time really flies really fast and I'm reaching the end of my journey as a diploma student.

*Disclaimer: Don't expect a perfect english write up here as I ain't that good in English (as some of you might know, if not, it will be explained further in this post)

I am left with another 6 more months till I start a new life as a working adult. It still feels like a dream to me to be able to complete these 3 years course. Definitely not an easy journey but I hate to say it is the most enjoyable one. Many things had happen, many things has change. But that is not what I am going to share here.

Last May, I did received an award >Director List< (only top 10% of the cohort will be able to get it). Hey, I am not trying to show off okay. Wait... When I received an email that I was awarded with that, I was in utterly shock! Never in my life have I expecting myself to get one. There are at least 700-800 students in my cohort. Come on, who would dream to fight academically with those people? Not me. unless we have a food fight, then I think I would be able to snatch the championship. However, I do dream of getting it but never did I hope to get one as I know myself well that I am not that clever to reach there. To be honest, I cant even make it to poly when I graduated from secondary school.

I received my O' level results with an 'E' for my English. (Hahaha! Now you know why you shouldn't expect a proper bombastic write up here right?!) I was demotivated and somehow felt depressed. Seeing my other friend make it to poly and starts with their studies while I'm here struggling to be a working teenager. I do not want to work but yet I have to as I wouldn't want to grow more fats by sitting at home asking for money from my parents when I cant even make them proud. I was embarrassed, I felt so ashamed to leave and meet with my friends and other family members. All I want to do during that time was just to bury myself alive. I'm to afraid to answer them.

Friend: So, which course are you in right now?

Me: I failed. So maybe, Inshallah next year?

Many things played in my mind. And I realised that those are just a scary events that I self-create because I expect too much from myself. Since young, I did not want to be seen as someone who is weak and low. But that also doesn't mean I stood out trying to be the smarty ass kid in class. I kept quite and just observed. If I'm not sure, I zipped up my lips. Wah...

I retook my English and the result doesnt come out good. I borderline passed my English. Wah piang, I swear cannot make it one. Then due to not being able to apply to my desired course, I chose Nursing which is the highest point. Disappointed? Yes, somehow... why? I'm not fond to nursing. I hate Bio. I hate being fake nice to people. I hate the idea of caring for others when I can spend that time to care for myself better. But not wanting to be a useless sloth for another year, I sign up for that course without knowing what is up for me.

Fast forward, I got accepted but again, I was surrounded with smart, act smart, lazy free loader and name it all guys. My!!! Before first sem start, I aim to get the Director List Award (DLA) but when I've gotten back my first sem result, I was like -forget it lah- Dream big only but never put effort also for what? To be honest, in that class I felt I was stupid, slow and one of the idiot students. They say words can be a prayer and I really failed my skill assessment. Wahhh!!!! I can cry already!!!! Why oh why? Hahaha!

With the support of my dear best friends, Hajar and Gana (Weyh, I feature you guys here!) and few friends and classmates who helped me to regain back my confidence to complete the paper. I was more than happy and thankful not to fail again which also means I did not have to repeat module! From this moment onwards, I work extra harder and starts to be more attentive in class but not when when my Korean oppa calling me to watch them. I start to learn to manage my time and find different types of learning styles that suits me. I was also forced to stay back everyday in the library till 9pm with my dear annoying Gana whom plays the important role to my success now.

I start to like nursing and enjoy it. I love biology. I can't believe how much i really hate bio last time. I love to care for my patients, hearing their stories and complains everyday. I love nursing as it doesn't limit my learning.

Today, I have received a letter from MOE congratulating me for receiving the Edusave Merit Bursary Award (EMBA). Not trying to be full of myself, like I have said, just sharing. I won't be able to achieve these things if I did not change. If i would be persistent to be the same old me, I will continue failing. But due to a change of mindset, it change my attitude towards learning. I am more positive towards learning, positive toward my friends and importantly positive towards myself. I'm thirst for success, I work towards it, rather than waiting for it to come to me.

Moral of this is that, things happen for a reason. It taught you something even though it is really painful and hurting. You have to cry and get wounded but that doesn't mean you can stop. You have to stand even how painful it is, you still have to finish up your own race that you start. Start thinking positively and everything inshaalah, will be better. Everything start from you and it also ends with you, yourself. Only you can change your destiny.

Thankfully, I have a supportive mother and friends that never stop pushing me forward. Thank you Gana for always be there for me and stayed through this hardship with me. Thank you for entertaining the competitive side of me and assure me that I have you to depend on.

Thank you Hajar for staying and be so supportive. We don't always meet, even if we meet, we often have small cute arguments but nonetheless, it was a fun one. 11 years... A very long one indeed. I love you!! Let's graduate and you can be missy Hajar!

Icha Nisa

I Hate that Feelings

Assalamualaikum...

What a really negative tittle I have there. I'm not sure if only me feeling this way, or others do share the same thing, I'm indeed a very sensitive person. BUT... I may not be obvious with my feelings to people.

I not sure why I did that, but I felt that I prioritize other people feelings before mine. I pushed aside my anger just to avoid conflict which later makes me hate myself and cry for no reason. I am being obtuse with situation and even with my own feelings. I kept on giving chances and push everything aside and always try my best to achieve my goals with all means even if I have to do the group work by myself. I really hate myself for doing this. I hate for not being brave and afraid to hurt others feelings, rather that hurting other's feelings, in the end I'm the on who suffered.

Some days, I just felt the need to cry, I don't even know why. I felt weak. I need someone to know how I felt. I need someone to know that I'm not okay. However, I'm not trying to give any verbal ques. The tiredness from being felt like being used and thrown away like a trash hurts me the most, but what did I do? I did nothing to compensate that anger nor betrayal. I kept myself quite thinking that the feelings might fade away and I AM GOING TO BE OKAY SOON...

To be honest I'm not sure where this blog post is heading towards and what am I taking and typing about. I know that my friends will not read this, and this is so called my 'safest' platform for me to express my emotion and truthfully how I felt deep within all the smiles and the "It's okay" that I have said hundreds of times in a day. All the people around me think that I'm a happy go lucky person. Yes, I am. But, I am not happy all the time when people make use of me. I am not okay if you be friends and treat me like a trash. Only when you people need me, you come to me. When your needs are all being satisfied, you walked away and leaving me waiting and waiting.

I am not blaming the people that did this to me. I just hate the fact that I really have to feel this way. I felt that I have no say. I felt that I have to keep myself quite. I am afraid that if I said something that is honest and be truthful about my feelings and emotions, people will hate me. I felt really insecure. And this have really nothing to do with people around me. The people around me could me the aggravating factors but in the end is all up and depend on me. It is all within me. I know I have to fight with my own self to be back to where I was, where I used to be... Otherwise, I could be forever getting indulge in this feelings and hatred of my own self.

The only things that I felt happy is when people can understand me, without having me to say. Which is nonsense. How can people understand me if I don't say anything? I find happiness when I reads those article of each horoscope traits. Not the daily one, the personality trait of each horoscope I mean. Those things are on point on pointing out my strength, weakness and worriness and it somehow make me felt that they understand where I come from, what I really meant. Somehow it gave me the sense that it is basically how I felt. I felt that those post actually understands me and sometimes it brings tears to me. I know you might find how pathetic am I to trust and rely on those things but that is the only way I felt being understandable. At times, I also do felt confused with myself and those post encouraged me and it somehow makes me felt that "It's gonna be okay, I'm going to be okay" idea and mindset.

I know this happens due to the the game that my brain is playing with me. But I know sooner or later I have to change this behaviour of mine and I really hopes the I could really stop hating myself for being this way. Insyaallah during this Ramadhan period it can give me inner peace and enlighten me on the things that I should focus on rather than concentrating on things that is not important to me.

Insyaallah.

Goodnight,

A Change from Negativity

Assalamualaikum...

Wow, I did not know that I might still be updating this blog and I'm not entirely sure if there will be anyone who actually gonna read this. Time has fly quite fast and soon, I'm graduating. No more playing and messing around once adult life starts.

Being in year 3 is not easy, many things happen and you will definitely meet with many difficult people and some nice ones. Many things happen during these 3 years. I have experience bitter and sweet moments in life and it definitely taught me something new every time.

People are very had to pleased. Keep in mind that you can never pleased anyone, and let me tell you, don't waste your time doing that. In nursing school, I have met  many different people from different background, different behaviour and personalities that is differ from mine. Our views are different. But that makes the group stronger due to different opinions and views and everyone has to be open to feedback. 

Being open minded and accepting feedback is important in group work. This doesn't mean you have to conform with the majority once someone pointed out your mistakes. Being selfish won't bring us anywhere. I used to have many friends. But... they surround me with negativity, making me neglecting what is my priorities. Happy? Yes, I do have fun and I really enjoyed myself... But now, it is just all memories and I just want those moments to remain as memories and no more reality. I hate myself for letting my inner self to be indulge with hatred which I'm not even sure... I followed around like a loss sheep. I love and really treasured the 'ones' that pulls me down, without me knowing I'm blinded with selfishness, arrogance and laziness. 

Things happen and people does change. Change for the good! But some will stay and remain in that current position trying to pull others down together with them. Betrayal is part of life. It is not easy to face it at first as the 'ones' I trusted the most could actually make use of you to reach their goals. These people aren't actually loyal to you as friends, they are loyal to their need of you... Once their needs change, their loyalty change too. Thousands of excuses given. But, as a mature adults let's be frank, not everyone have lots on time on their hands. It's all about making time and prioritizing. I hate to say this but, it is the time when I have to stop crossing the ocean for people that wouldn't even jump a puddle for me. I work extra hard to ensure things are done well and everyone can move forward, and I really thought we are moving as a team. All those while, I was wrong... I was the only one who left behind while the others moves forward will my effort. What I get in return was -- a sweet talk -- behind my back.

This is a wake up call for me for not to waste more time with my dream lala land 'friends' and concentrate on the people who actually cares for me and willing to push me harder and work along side with me to create a better result. Alhamdulillah, Allah has better plan and he showed me the right path... 

I'm happy with what I have even if the my circle of friends gets smaller, I know this is right for me.